Sooooooo….. it’s February 2019 which means we seven weeks into 2019.
What has changed? Nothing, absolutely nothing. Depression is still here, I’m still overly anxious, and I just feel lost. I mean there has been a little good, but not enough, I hate to complain I really do. I wake up feeling like I shouldn’t be awake, and I go to sleep feeling like it is the only escape from reality. I don’t like to cry, or even ask for help when I desperately know that I need help. I don’t like bothering people because when you tell people about your problems, it bothers then whether it be them worrying about you or you annoying them. Sometimes, I just want to go away and get away from everyone whilst other times I enjoy being with people. I appreciate this blog because it is my mind outside of my body. I can just type and get everything out without feeling like I’m bothering someone.
I have the most amazing psychiatrist, she listens to me and she also allows me to be 100% myself, and she treats me like a person. That is the best part about having someone who genuinely cares about their job.
Enough with the negatives, I have had a few good things happen in the past seven weeks. A few things such as: I reconnected with my dad, and I also got the chance to meet my stepmom and I also got the chance to meet two of my beautiful nieces and my nephew-it was amazing.
I changed my major to Psychology. I want to be able to better understand myself and I want to be able to one day give back to my community one day. I’m still undecided on my post graduate decisions, I don’t know if I want to go to PA school or get my masters in Psychology and become a college psychology professor. Since starting back in school this past fall, I have felt so behind but I have to quit comparing myself and my story to my peers.
I have had so many people come into my life in the past few months who have shown me so much love, and I cannot thank them enough for doing that. I also have lost so many friends in the last few months because I know I’m worth so much more than I give myself credit.
I know I’m worth a lot, but my mind doesn’t know that so I struggle internally with not knowing if I should listen to my mind or listen to my heart. Everyone around me tells me how much I am worth and I am starting to see it but my mind is so all over the place that I believe it sometime and I don’t believe it other times.
I created this blog not knowing if I’d actually use it, and since I’ve been using it things are a little better. I can type pages upon pages of things and feel more free than talking to someone for hours, so I choose to type. I spent so many years hating myself that now that I am trying to love myself i find it hard but I’m making progress.
I know that God hears a sinners prayer, because I am still here.
Zephaniah 3:17- The Lord thy God in the midst of thee is mighty; he will save, me will rejoice over thee with joy; he will rest in his love, he will joy over the with singing.
Onto other things, I have started doing SOAP to my scriptures so that I can, analyze the scriptures that I read. SOAP stands for: Scripture, observation, application and prayer. I’m going to start doing them on this blog, with every post I will close it by doing a SOAP.
“Jesus’ followers asked him, “Teacher, why was this man born blind? Whose sin made it happen? Was it his own sin or that of his parents?” Jesus answered, “It was not any sin of this man or his parents that caused him to be blind. He was born blind so that he could be used to show what great things God can do.”
John 9:2-3 ERV
“I went to the Lord for help, and he listened. He saved me from all that I fear.”
Psalms 34:4 ERV
“Give your worries to the Lord, and he will care for you. He will never let those who are good be defeated.”
Psalms 55:22 ERV
From the 3 scriptures that I read, I realize that with life comes anxiety and uneasiness because we want to control what is not In our control. God is, and has, and always will be there for us but we want to solve our problems on our own so we choose to struggle and put ourselves at mental unease instead of asking God for help meanwhile he is waiting for us, but we don’t call.
In order to live more peacefully and be a little less anxious, I will relinquish my overwhelming thoughts over to God. It will be hard, bevause I want to take on everything own my own but the God that I worship is an all knowing all doing faithful God. God has not left me out nor has he let me go, it is I who have waiverd but in time and with the help of God I plan on trying to breathe more and pray more and worry less and want less control and let God handle what is, and what will be. What is now, is in Gods hands. My life it is God’s!
God, I come to you today with a list of requests: a life with less anxiety, a life and a heart of trust and faith, and freedom to let You take control. What I don’t know, and what I cannot change does bother me, but God can you give me the tools to breathe easier knowing that you are in control. God, will you be with me, and continue to lead and guide me in such a way that I don’t have the time to think about what I cannot change. God, I thank you for life, and all that comes with it. For you are an amazing, loving, caring God and I thank you everyday for blessing me with life and being my life. In your name, Amen.