February 2019

Sooooooo….. it’s February 2019 which means we seven weeks into 2019.

What has changed? Nothing, absolutely nothing. Depression is still here, I’m still overly anxious, and I just feel lost. I mean there has been a little good, but not enough, I hate to complain I really do. I wake up feeling like I shouldn’t be awake, and I go to sleep feeling like it is the only escape from reality. I don’t like to cry, or even ask for help when I desperately know that I need help. I don’t like bothering people because when you tell people about your problems, it bothers then whether it be them worrying about you or you annoying them. Sometimes, I just want to go away and get away from everyone whilst other times I enjoy being with people. I appreciate this blog because it is my mind outside of my body. I can just type and get everything out without feeling like I’m bothering someone.

I have the most amazing psychiatrist, she listens to me and she also allows me to be 100% myself, and she treats me like a person. That is the best part about having someone who genuinely cares about their job.

Enough with the negatives, I have had a few good things happen in the past seven weeks. A few things such as: I reconnected with my dad, and I also got the chance to meet my stepmom and I also got the chance to meet two of my beautiful nieces and my nephew-it was amazing.

I changed my major to Psychology. I want to be able to better understand myself and I want to be able to one day give back to my community one day. I’m still undecided on my post graduate decisions, I don’t know if I want to go to PA school or get my masters in Psychology and become a college psychology professor. Since starting back in school this past fall, I have felt so behind but I have to quit comparing myself and my story to my peers.

I have had so many people come into my life in the past few months who have shown me so much love, and I cannot thank them enough for doing that. I also have lost so many friends in the last few months because I know I’m worth so much more than I give myself credit.

I know I’m worth a lot, but my mind doesn’t know that so I struggle internally with not knowing if I should listen to my mind or listen to my heart. Everyone around me tells me how much I am worth and I am starting to see it but my mind is so all over the place that I believe it sometime and I don’t believe it other times.

I created this blog not knowing if I’d actually use it, and since I’ve been using it things are a little better. I can type pages upon pages of things and feel more free than talking to someone for hours, so I choose to type. I spent so many years hating myself that now that I am trying to love myself i find it hard but I’m making progress.

I know that God hears a sinners prayer, because I am still here.

Zephaniah 3:17- The Lord thy God in the midst of thee is mighty; he will save, me will rejoice over thee with joy; he will rest in his love, he will joy over the with singing.

Onto other things, I have started doing SOAP to my scriptures so that I can, analyze the scriptures that I read. SOAP stands for: Scripture, observation, application and prayer. I’m going to start doing them on this blog, with every post I will close it by doing a SOAP.

Scriptures:

“Jesus’ followers asked him, “Teacher, why was this man born blind? Whose sin made it happen? Was it his own sin or that of his parents?” Jesus answered, “It was not any sin of this man or his parents that caused him to be blind. He was born blind so that he could be used to show what great things God can do.”

John 9:2-3 ERV

“I went to the Lord for help, and he listened. He saved me from all that I fear.”

Psalms 34:4 ERV

“Give your worries to the Lord, and he will care for you. He will never let those who are good be defeated.”

Psalms 55:22 ERV

Observations:

From the 3 scriptures that I read, I realize that with life comes anxiety and uneasiness because we want to control what is not In our control. God is, and has, and always will be there for us but we want to solve our problems on our own so we choose to struggle and put ourselves at mental unease instead of asking God for help meanwhile he is waiting for us, but we don’t call.

Application:

In order to live more peacefully and be a little less anxious, I will relinquish my overwhelming thoughts over to God. It will be hard, bevause I want to take on everything own my own but the God that I worship is an all knowing all doing faithful God. God has not left me out nor has he let me go, it is I who have waiverd but in time and with the help of God I plan on trying to breathe more and pray more and worry less and want less control and let God handle what is, and what will be. What is now, is in Gods hands. My life it is God’s!

https://thesanitysafetypeaceandlove.wordpress.com

Prayer:

God, I come to you today with a list of requests: a life with less anxiety, a life and a heart of trust and faith, and freedom to let You take control. What I don’t know, and what I cannot change does bother me, but God can you give me the tools to breathe easier knowing that you are in control. God, will you be with me, and continue to lead and guide me in such a way that I don’t have the time to think about what I cannot change. God, I thank you for life, and all that comes with it. For you are an amazing, loving, caring God and I thank you everyday for blessing me with life and being my life. In your name, Amen.

Kenabena ❤️

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2019’s plans

  1. Read more books
  2. Be less negative
  3. Organize my life as well as my time more appropriately so that I don’t have too much idle downtime.
  4. Travel more
  5. Worry less
  6. Pray more
  7. Believe in myself.
  8. Support my friends in all of their endeavors.
  9. Save money but don’t go over board trying to do so.
  10. Take better care of my mental health.

  11. Put myself first unlike I have been putting myself last.
  12. Stop procrastinating so much.
  13. Take life one day at a time, and if I don’t finish something in one day don’t let that beat me down.-it’ll get done.
  14. Get back into going to church on the first Sunday of the month each month.
  15. Pray more
  16. Re-dedicate myself to God!

This year will be a better year for me, I’m speaking all the positives into the universe. I have always been so negative about how much goes on in my life bevause well sometimes it’s overwhelming but with time (taking time) and God this year will be better. I was so depressed and down and out in 2018 that year as a whole was an eye opener for me. I learned that when we’re angry we say the most hateful things just as when we’re in a good mood we apologize for the hate that we gave whenever we did.

I don’t believe apologies are real because I feel like whatever is said or done was said or done for a reason a person felt the need to do something and so I didn’t think the apologies we get are even real half of the time. I forgive people for being mean, rude, or hateful just because that is how I am-no apology needed. The main reason that I don’t believe apologies are real is because when a person apologizes they are apologizing for being themselves whether that be hateful or whatever the case and I just don’t believe people hide their hate well enough to apologize for saying or doing something mean.

Outside of seriousness, and onto business this year I am going to do more to make my thoughts become real. I’m going to take things step by step and I will have a business that is doing good by the end of this year! I plan on doing a vision board for this year so that I can plan out my plans for 2019. I’m also going to try to write a new blog every few days, I don’t have a set schedule on the days yet but for now that’s all I have for you all.

I hope everyone had a peaceful, loving, amazing, blessed Christmas and I also wish everyone a Happy New Year!

With love,

Kenabena ❤️

I’m back, and here’s a brief update

Depression is a very sensitive topic for anyone to talk about, especially this generation of young adults. Specifically anyone born between (1990-1999) not limited to that group, but we are afraid to talk. We were raised but such strong people that we don’t want to seem the least bit weak by even speaking the word depression and then it consumes us because we just give it energy to feed off of and one thing turns to the next and then there you are thinking about just leaving everything you’ve struggled to get behind because you don’t think you’ll ever get out of the rut that you’re in at least that’s how I felt. I realized I had been depressed for many many many years, and I also realized that I don’t know what life outside of depression looks like-that’s how long I’ve been depressed. I was scared that I’d die having not lived my life.

I’ve been put on a new medicine and it’s working I feel amazing. I thought I’d come on here and update you all.

I said all of that because I don’t like the secrecy associated with depression and anxiety. I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder and anxiety. I never had any energy only energy to sleep and sometimes I’d go to sleep not wanting to ever wake up. Crazy-I know. I had a suicide attempt on July 4 of this year (no, I’m not afraid to talk about it.) That’s what made me want to get help. The time is now and we don’t have to divulge on our whole life story but to say the least admitting that you have a problem (depression, anxiety etc.) is the first step to getting help and that’s how i made it to where I am right now.

Don’t be ashamed for feeling however it is that you feel. Know that there are amazing people out there willing to take you under there wing and help you spiritually and mentally. It means so much to have someone that doesn’t know you genuinely start to care about you. I gained so many friends that are actually now considered my family (per my own standards). I am thankful, and with that thanks if I can keep someone from feeling the way that I did, I will!

Remember you are not alone in your struggles no matter what they are, God is amazing and He gave me another chance at life so this time around I’m going to try to help as many people as I can.

Please remember Life gets better with time and help, i promise!

Xoxo,

Kenabena ❤️

[if you’re experiencing depression, or anxiety please seek help.]

Seeing the good in the not so good times.

Happiness exists, but so does sadness. Why is it that you feel happiness/sadness in tandem? You are either happy then sad, or sad then happy-at least that’s in my case. Since I have gotten older, and I have gotten more in touch with who I am I have become more comfortable with being emotional. I used to apologize for “feeling” now I just feel. I can’t control the feels but I also appreciate that because when I get the feels they are there I don’t have to hide my happiness or my sorrows anymore because I am comfortable in my own skin, finally after 23 years.

I want children, so I can see apart of myself that I have never seen. I want to experience love that I have never had, I want to love like I have never loved. Children are so amazing.

I want all of my people to be happy, healthy, and well taken care of. I can’t go a day without saying or praying that we all are taken care of. I want the best for all of us!

I can’t wait for the day that I’m able to give my mom the break she so desperately needs, she needs to be able to relax and not worry anymore-once I finish school that’s what I’m going to do. As long as I have been alive she has always had me and she has always loved me and taken care of me and I cannot thank anyone but God for her being my mother. She has sacrificed so much for me, and I cannot thank her enough. I cannot thank God enough. I’m so thankful, and my heart is so full of love now that I have accepted my problems and started to get help.

Overall, happiness starts within but it manifests from your surroundings. If you lead with love you will be love, and the same goes if you lead with hate you will be the hate that you give! It doesn’t make much sense now, but it makes a lot of sense. Life is so much better when you slow down and take the time to breathe and take in what’s happening around you.

🖤

Xoxo, Kena

A breif Introduction

Who am I?

For starters, I still cannot answer that question. I will say I lead with love, before I speak to a person I decide if their energy is worth my love- my unconditional, unbiased, open hearted love. Well, that is a gift and a cure. I’m pretty much what the dictionary would call an introverted recluse. I added the recluse because I stay inside as much as possible. I believe that if I don’t put myself out there to get hurt, then I won’t. My home is my safe haven.

Im here to talk about what nobody wants to talk about, the taboo parts of our lives- depression, suicide, and most of all self harm.

We are all given the same 24 hours to preform to the best of our abilities and we do the best that we can with what we can.

I no longer resent suicide, because I have thought about it myself. There is always a deeper root as to the logic that gets a person to that ending. Believe it or not, it can be something so small just like it could be something so big.

For me, in my family mental health problems are considered taboo and to talk about them is even worse because you are bringing outsiders into what’s going on on the inside and that’s just shunned.

As a culture we have to set standards higher than those set before us, we have to address the things that scare us the most because your strength comes from your toughest battles.

DONT BE AFRAID TO GET HELP!

-so with all of that being said, again I ask who am I?

I am a young lady with a crazy life and crazy thoughts. I want to help as many people as I can because I don’t ever want anyone to feel the way I have/do feel.

I am 23, I’ve been diagnosed with a slew of different things most recently MDD and ptsd. Crazy thing is I never thought I’d be so depressed that I wouldn’t eat and all I’d do is sleep but I became that person. I didn’t comb my hair I just exsisted as a being with no purpose. I now still don’t know who I am, I still have the craziest health but I am trying to find myself now. I am trying i help others as well.

I am, a person who loves to help.

🖤

Life is good, and so is positive energy. I’m here to make the bad feel good! Depression and anxiety are taboo, but not here!

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